ADVICE FROM THE DADDY PARTY! Cringeworthy boys at our liberal journals need to just shut the f*ck up: // link // print // previous // next //

AS ALWAYS, INCOMPARABLE GUIDANCE: How did we know about Florida? you ask. We may review the point by week’s end, but the roots of our wisdom are found right here. Meanwhile, a bit of a lesson: Learn to distrust your society’s “experts.” Many “experts” swore up and down that the title game should be Ohio State-Michigan. But uh-oh! Southern Cal beat Michigan like a drum. Last night, it was OSU’s turn.

ADVICE FROM THE DADDY PARTY: Truly, these boys never stop. In Sunday’s Times, TNR’s Ryan Lizza penned a probing analysis of contemporary Democrats—of “Macho Dems,” as he calls them. Lizza’s “analysis” was silly enough. But good God! That cringe-worthy headline:

The Invasion of the Alpha Male Democrat

No! “The Alpha Male Democrat” again! And yes, we know what you may be thinking. You’re thinking: Some editor went back to Campaign 2000, resurrecting that Greatest Press Hit—the press corps’ use of the phrase “alpha male” to mock, deride, and ridicule Gore. Surely, “alpha male” was stuck in the headline without Lizza’s knowledge. But no, it was Lizza, pandering proudly! As he began his piece, the bright up-and-comer penned this:

LIZZA (1/7/07): Nancy Pelosi’s carefully crafted introduction to the American people last week seemed to reinforce some stereotypes of the so-called mommy party. On the day she made history as the first woman to be elected speaker, she appeared on the House floor, surrounded by children and bedecked in pearls.

But even as this nurturing image dominated the news, the swearing-in ceremony on Thursday was notable for another milestone in gender politics: the return of the Alpha Male Democrat.

Good God! If that isn’t cringe-worthy, nothing else is! Regarding the reprise of “alpha male,” let us say this: Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss! Some of you may not recall the damage done by the use of that idiot phrase during the press corps’ war against Gore. (It was part of their brainless—and sex-obsessed—assault on Gore adviser Naomi Wolf.) But when a bright young lad reticks that language, he’s applying for his card in the guild. This is what the lad is saying to those who rule the world he would enter: No matter how stupid your conduct may be, I will affirm it forever. And yes, that’s the pledge they must make before entering the guild. No matter how foolish your spin-lines may be, I will never betray or rebuke you.

Go ahead! If you want to torture yourself, read Lizza’s “analysis” of those “Macho Dems”—the ones who are much like “Alpha Males,” despite being in the “mommy party.” (You’re right. Your emotional age has to be around three before you can frame things like that.) For ourselves, we’ll move on to the recent actions of another troubling fellow—Michael Crowley.

For the record, we’ve been told, and we believe, that Crowley’s a perfectly decent guy. (We were told this by a Washington scribe so big his name would knock your socks off.) That said, we think the gentleman’s recent history is extremely cringe-worthy. In April 2000, Crowley co-authored the influential Boston Globe piece which pretended that Gore was a big, troubling liar—a piece so utterly phony and fake that its principal author, Walter Robinson, even pretended he didn’t know why Gore had sometimes referred to seven years of journalistic experience. Duh! Gore had spent two years as an army journalist—then five more years at the Nashville Tennessean. And 2 + 5 had been shown to be 7! Obviously, Robinson knew these facts—but he was willing to pretend otherwise, so much fun was his cohort having reinventing Gore as a LIAR. But then, the piece was littered with clownish slanders pretending that Gore was a troubling LIAR. It was one of the fakest pieces of Campaign 2000—and that’s really saying a mouthful.

On page one of the Globe, at exceptional length, Robinson played the public for fools—and he helped send Bush to the White House. Did we mention the fact that Michael Crowley co-authored that grisly piece?

But readers, our story doesn’t end there. With our usual excess of fairness, we assumed that Crowley had been junior partner in that utterly fake/phony piece—perhaps, not quite the decider. But two years later, there he went again! This time, writing for TNR, Crowley examined the “character flaws” exhibited by Dem White House hopeful John Kerry. Just what were these “character flaws?” Describing them, Crowley wrote the following—and no, we really aren’t making this up: “[H]e evinces a distinctly self-indulgent streak. Kerry speeds around on a motorcycle and in a convertible, Rollerblades and wind surfs, and plays classical pieces and Broadway show tunes on his guitar.” For us, it was the first sighting of the future RNC trope—Kerry is troubling because he wind surfs! Crowley was also worried about those show tunes—or at least, was prepared to pretend.

We jumped on that article in 2002, hoping to dissuade our flyweight writers from more of the fatuous character-spinning which had put George Bush where he is. But today, we find Crowley backsliding again, this time offering hilarious jibes about the laughable Candidate Biden! By Monday, he even had Isaac Chotiner chiming in, engaging in Standard Pundit Piffle—pretending a pol has said something strange when he speaks in a lightly playful fashion. In our view—and let’s make this clear—these underformed boys need to shut the fuck up. We just don’t need them getting started on their fatuous let’s-mock-the-big-major-Dem games, the games they’ve played in recent elections. Each morning, they should put on the clothing their mommies lay out, then put a lid on their childish impulses. Admittedly, they’re gifted—just like mommy said. They also should shut the fuck up.

You’d think that Crowley would be embarrassed by some of the work which carries his name. (That 2000 piece was an utter disgrace.) And you’d think that no one would want to revive the language Lizza returned to on Sunday. But face it—some of these boys are serious climbers, and some of them don’t tend to be all that deep. For that reason, the daddy party needs to tell them: Don’t indulge your mindless impulses. Don’t revive trash about “alpha males.” Don’t write mindless tripe about Biden—and no, don’t let your simple minds start thinking about Obama sans clothing. (Milbank again—who else? And it’s perfect! In today’s hard-copy Post, this comes complete with a picture of Kerry wind-surfing.)

Boys, let daddy lay it out for you: Your motives are shaky. Your judgment is poor. You’ve done enough damage to last you a lifetime. That said, t he daddy party is here with a stricture: Gentlemen, shut the fuck up.

WE KNOW WHAT HE DID THAT APRIL: We spent four days on the grisly piece which bore Crowley’s name in April 2000. See THE DAILY HOWLER, 5/9/00 for Part 1 of that four-part report. This was one of the fakest reports in all of Campaign 2000. And yes, it got lots of attention.

You’d think the guy who co-authored that piece would have gone to the desert to seek absolution. But in 2002, Crowley was at it again, deeply concerned by Kerry’s wind-surfing. And omigod—eek! He even plays show tunes! What puts such thoughts inside their heads? See THE DAILY HOWLER, 9/10/02. These boys need to shut the fuck up.